random

hi, i just woke up. well not just. i woke up like a half hour ago. i made myself a lil snack. i think my body wants me to be nocturnal right now. not sure why. but i have started eating less and sleeping a lot during the day, and waking up repeatedly in the middle of the night and eating more then. who knows. i guess i will have to listen to it for now. i have no real obligations to get up early for anyway.

the birds are up this early. so i dont feel so alone. not that i really feel alone when i wake up in the middle of the night. i feel more alone in the daytime. at night you feel this sort of sadness wrap you up and it actually makes me feel a little less sad, if that makes any sense. also in the dark it is easier to be fixated on one moment, i think, because you can't really see that far ahead of you.

so when the light comes in i am reminded of all of my obligations. 1) finish my thesis. 2) figure out my life. 3) figure out myself. pretty hard tasks. i know most people say oh you dont have to do those things it takes an entire lifetime, but for me it's not really like that, to some degree i do have to do those things, and now. it is highly uncomfortable otherwise.

which brings me to a new point: people don't like to make themselves uncomfortable, even though i think this state is one of the primary ones from which growth can occur. im not going to give a for instance because i think it's relatively obvious and everyone could probably think of an example within him/herself. i think i would rather be sad, angry, lonely, depressed, etc than uncomfortable, which really makes little sense when you think about it.

i guess i should practice being uncomfortable. i'm not sure how. maybe i can put myself in positions that make me feel that way just to show myself i can endure. i but i cant think of many that a) wouldn't be dangerous and b) would make sense in my life right now. however i know there are probably millions that i'm just not thinking of. for instance (here's one) sleeping all the way through the night. not snacking in the middle of the night. not sleeping all day. etc etc. not that i always did this, this is all fairly recent for me, but who knows where it'll lead.

tho at one point those things made me uncomfortable too... what i'm doing now. it's all about change i guess. constant evolution and change. however it's one thing to be aware of that change and force it and another to just let it occur naturally. i'm not all that sure people change naturally, besides their bodies and maybe their minds a little. most people i know... well actually, they probably do put more effort into not changing, than changing. i think if we let ourselves we would all change naturally all the time. but this would be uncomfortable and inconsistent and confusing not only to ourselves but to others so we don't let ourselves do it. i think that is silly.