head hurts: seth

hey everybody. i have to keep this stupid thing so i'm just going to write...

today i smoked pot for the first time. haha. it was really fucking weird and i liked it. we smoked with my friends brother. he's a musician. we sat on his roof and took hits off his bong. it wasn't dave's first time and obviously not his brother's but it was mine. after that we sort of just sat in his room and i stared at his posters and a weird looking blanket on the wall. i didnt actually feel much in my head but i felt different, almost like a change in my identity. i'm excited to do it again.

so the second time i did it, we went walking out side. this was where things got really weird. we started making up shit about the trees being people or alive and for a couple of seconds i think i actually believed it, and then when i caught myself believing it, or just convincing myself it was true, i got really, really scared. i don't know. but other than that it was cool.

so we pretty much smoke every day on our way home. dave gets shwag from his brother and also he bought a small bowl off of him. he carries it around in his pocket which i dont think is too smart esp because that thing is going to smell soon, but he doesn't care, he wraps it up in this little cotton rag.

recently it's started to hit me harder, maybe because i'm more accustomed to it, that's what they say anyway, is supposed to happen. what happens is that right at the beginning i feel myself sort of loosen up and then something in my brain sort of snaps apart and i start seeing the world in a new, interesting cool and somewhat scary way. it makes me think or wonder if i could handle anything harder; because sometimes even pot makes me think things that i hate. like for instance we were walking home from the bus today and i was stoned and just staring out at our neighborhood everything looked so sad and stale, it was like we were all some project and everyone was just failing, and even the colors were useless, and the air was all filmy, and it was like everything was running under this huge static, and i was just there to zoom in on it all and figure out how i was supposed to fit in a useless world and it was just impossible. of course this only hits me for a second; if you get me focused on something i forget all about these terrible thoughts and start to enjoy the effects it has on my mind. for instance, food. i love eating grapes stoned. probably my favorite thing. and last night i was laying on the couch watching some special on bridges. actually i was trying to distract myself from those other thoughts. my parents dont have any clue when i come in stoned. i dont think we make eye contact much.

the worst is when i'm stoned around other people. i feel like i can practically hear there thoughts. everything is so loud and hurried and time passes in this strange fast-slow way that i realize that nothing is happening but it is a nothing so thick that everything is happening; i am just standing there but standing there is everything, there's not much more that i can handle. i am very quiet when i'm stoned. i just can't stop my mind from thinking things. and when i'm around people i can't stop thinking about them and all the possibilities of things that could happen between us and them and one to the other and it could go on forever and it takes up all of my energy and time. i dont know how people say that pot relaxes you, it does just the opposite for me.

a lot of time we get stoned at night and drive around. it does make the night a lot more fulfilling, real, open, vast, deep. i feel like i could go swimming in the sky at night; i feel like the night sky is alive above me and it communicates with me in some vague but real way. it's possible that i go slightly crazy when i'm stoned but i think i do it to myself; i think i want to feel so badly i play tricks with my mind. and i know when it starts to shut down; things go back to normal, people become people again and not so much noises, tho not that they're noises i can actually here, but it's almost like a noise i can feel, if that makes any sense. people when i'm stoned are noises i can feel.

but just sitting there and being open and stoned makes sense when i'm stoned. which might not make sense. but like there is no need to be you can just hang out. you just let your mind open and wander. and that is the one thing i really like about it; you're allowed to have a mind you dont have to squish it into your stupid little body, you can let it wander all over the place and it does, it wants to go anywhere, it's like this little animal, this pet you have, and when it's stoned you're letting it run out all over for a while, and then inevitably it has to come back and be in its little cage.

so the first time i got stoned before soccer practice was an absolute disaster. it would have been hilarious if dave was there bu the ended up not going, which i was mad at him for but didnt say anything. but we smoked a fat joint his brother rolled for us for some strange reason and then i went to soccer practice two hours later still stoned out of my mind. i kept absolutely quiet in the car and my dad turned the music up and and and it was one of the most hilarious experiences i could never reproduce not even in my own mind. i just remember i was loving every second of being alive in that moment. it was awesome.

and then when i got to soccer practice my brain started making all these weird connections, some of which it had made before and more that it'd make afterwards, like strange sociological or philosophical revelations kept happening one top of the other, and not that i even thought that they were that brilliant, it was just i knew deep down that they were true and that there could be no other truth. and the scary part was i knew this truth was limited and that i could only see it in that moment, that eventually the truth would stop becoming truth and some other stupid truth would come to take its place and this ripped me apart inside, and i dont think i'll ever really understand why this is the way things are, it's a hateful way to be, to live, this falsely. i dont even care.

but what i saw at soccer was like, the world had turned into machines. everything was streamlined into this impeccable math. it all made some malicious sort of emotionless sense; like everything had some cold purpose it had to be constantly fulfilling and anything apart and beyond this focus was a dream and a ruinous one at that. i felt like even me was this cold being fulfilling its cold purpose; i saw all the soccer players as little uncomfortable dreamers who had no clue that their lives were being lived inside of them by cold machines. i thought that the sport of soccer was a destructive force used to keep peoples' minds quiet about how machine-like and cold we all are. i could not see people as people; they just looked like a blanket of facial features over a clownlike face, a description of nobody that we could all identify. my coach talking to us was just the saddest thing. he wanted us to think that soccer mattered and for the life of me i could not figure out why it did; i could not figure out why there was any use to me kicking that ball; but then when i looked at the ball, i saw more than just a ball. i saw something that i felt i needed to touch. anything touching brought up a strange sensation of life in me, life where there was no life. it's like, everything felt like it was glued together in a dream. there was no cohesion to anything, it was like it all fell apart and some cold metal threads held us all together in something like hell to keep us from breaking. that is the one main word i'd use to describe it, hell. because it really felt like all that was holding us away from the great abyss of doom and nothing was a giant lie that we'd all have to subscribe to for the rest of our lives, a place we agreed to live in and that would take us away from ourselves and essentially into nothing. it was like when adam or eve bites into the apple; they have to do it but they know that it's going to destroy everything including human beings. but they do it because they have to; they have to die in order to live. if that makes any sense. i don't know. i look forward to those highs being over but they leaves me with lots to think about, however uncomfortable it is at first.