this is a bitch whine vent

nothing to do, so i'll keep posting.

writers and publishers are crap. i dont like being a writer. all you care about is that somebody gives a shit that you're writing and what you're writing but you'll never ever get this, most likely. i should be writing for myself like salinger did at the end of his life, but i can't now, bc i'm in stupid grad school and we're bred to think that the only judge our value for our words are if some lit mag says they are good. i dont know those people, i dont trust any of their aesthetics, i only trust my own, is why i'm a writer. i konw some of the shit i wrote already is the best i'll probably ever write and i shouldnt care that nobody cares but i do, becuase i'm a fucking writer. now if i were something else, i woudl not care. if i were not in grad school, i would probably care less. i would be out helping people rather than thinking my words alone are worth more than peoples lives. because that is essentially what we're saying; i could be out physically helping bodies instead i write happy little snappy or sad emotions and hope they make someone feel something. sure they are good for the "soul" people say. my students write about souls all the time and it is the most cliche bunch of bullshit. nobody knows what or if a soul exists. why dont you leave that up to god if there is one.

and yep still im going to write. if i dont i will feel myself dying inside. but is a selfish way to live and i dont like it. and i dont want to be a narcissistic asshole but i am one anyway, by virtue of the fact that i'm writing about myself, even if it's not about me, it always is.

counterargument: writers are unselfish collecters and passers on and interpreters of societies deepest symbols it needs for the soul to move on and grow and survive and understand itself...


exactly the thing we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel so much better than anyone else. what about the man who comes and unplugs the shit from my toilet? he makes sure i can go to the bathroom and it passes cleanly through the pipes. give me one good reason why what i do is better for humanity than this guy, and i dont think you can.

writers are full of shit and i am one. hmmm