bored

yes i'm posting again wow so many words out of me recently... i am just bored and just woke up and need a quick distraction and it's too early to take a shot of vodka. so instead i'm waiting for my clothes to dry so i can go to the gym. and after that i will grade papers. and after that.?? maybe go for a walk. the weather is lovely this time of year in tallahassee warm and crisp like a honey crisp apple. i love apples.

my room is an absolute shithole, yes, i step over some of my nicest dresses as I make my way to the bathroom, no i do not care, they are just clothes. i need new clothes but i dont really like clothes. they make me a greedier and vainer person so i don't like them. however it's fun to look at the colors and shapes and cuts and whatnot but in terms of what i can afford, it's none of the fun stuff. which reminds me i have to check out lauren conrad's line in khols. but even khols is expensive.

things are happening in my life right now, things are changing. it's quite scary and i'm sure at any moment this huge gaping black hole earthquake is going to open up beneath me and i will fall fall fall... hopefully that doesn't happen, but it's the fear. i always feel unsteady unstable and this is just me. i wonder if it will ever change.

but when i work out i feel powerful and in control and i love it. and i love to eat. and i love laughing and making jokes. i love people. i love the sky. there are lots of things i love, almost as much as things i fear.

i wonder if love and fear are connected. it seems fear and hate are and i think hate and love are sorta connected, maybe in the same way anxiety and depression are, the separate sides of the same coin or some bullshit like that. here is me just spouting off theories, it's not supposed to be correct, it's supposed to be fun, don't take it too seriously. it is hard to love something you are afraid of, that is all i can come up with for now.

it's sunday; someone made a really good joke about sundays always sucking because they are spent anticipating the whole goddamn week, and i think that's only partially true. ps i dug out an old cd that i love; it is full of get up kids and old jimmy eat world and lotsa other cool crap and i can't stop listening to it. i remember being in like eighth grade and loving that shit. and so because i listened to it i had the most wacked out dreams last night. so crazy and vivid and full of interlocking or just overlapping narratives. in one i was on a vacation with some people and we were listening to this guy talk to us about science... right down the sand was a bar where people were going at noon to get drunk for the rest of the day... i was more concerned with finding lunch... i ate two bowls of a really delish mac and cheese... then i went into my room and shoved some stuffed animals into a suitcase and called my mom crying bc i said i hated it there.. (reminds me a lot of now haha) and then after that we watched another video and a boy was like fondling my sides...?? waist area. this boy was a boy i dated when i was in fifth grade. very very strange.

the second part of the dream involved me being on a boat of something in a big room that was filling up with water... actually it started out as a classroom, first i was teaching and then i was the student.. but some big crisis happened and it turned into like a water world and then my roommate was there and i got some notice that said i was her only family and had to take care of her? and then we were on a train and she was very sad and I was trying to make her feel better bc she had no family.. and i swear it had this like war time feel to it very gray and depressing....

and then i was at this rally and i shook obamas hand. and my dad was there and he made some rude comment about why would i shake his hand only it wasn't that overt it was like something else, referring to his clothing? no clue. and then i woke up tired as fuck and made myself a bowl of cereal and went back to bed for a dreamless one hour sleep.