allie

hey world:

today was planned to be a really good day, and then of course it didn't turn out to be. i don't understand why stupid people have to go and ruin my life. oh well.

i have what i like to call the loneliness disease. i don't, i know, i'm not really lonely. i have so many friends and i have a great family who loves me. i do really well in school, bla bla bla, and all that jazz, so i know that there's nothing to cause it. so why do i feel this way, world, your guess is as good as mine. it's funny, but i thought college would be so different from how it is. i couldn't wait to get away from all the bullshit of high school and into somewhere where people might care about what you had to say even if you weren't in their social group, but i guess it's not really all that different.

take my english class for example: i sit in the front, but not because i care so much what the says, she's actually not that good, but because i can't see well. so now of course i'm labeled as a brown noser or someone who cares too much or whatnot. and so what if i care about what i get out of my education. i thought that was the point of coming to college. i thought we were all supposed to be mature enough to care.

and i can't help myself when she asks stupid questions and nobody answers, i'm going to answer, i'm not going to let her just sit up there like an idiot. i know she feels like one. i would too. i don't mind her really. i know some of the other people in the class can't stand her style of teaching because it's almost too laid back, but honestly that is what i came to college for. but all these little cliques formed behind and around me and i'm not going to be rude and talk over her, and plus i always come in early with my headphones on anyway, which people probably think makes me untouchable, but really i want to be in their conversations, sometimes i even respond in my head when i know what i would say, but i never say it out loud because i don't want them to think i'm creepy.

the class gets so incredibly boring. i just stare out the window. all my classes are like that. i thought they would be so much harder. maybe i should be in honors. i'm just afraid of the work load. my parents told me to take it easy because it's my first year, and i don't want to not have time to go out. but going out has turned out to be a totally different ballgame too. well, i was going to join a sorority until i discovered the girls in them are all dumb. so i nixed that idea. but i do have to join something. i wanted to join campus cru, and i still do, but the people in that, for some reason, are starting to creep me out. they all have the same "dead eyes" as that comedian calls them, which is ironic because they're supposed to be connected to God or some shit. I prefer just to worship by myself.

so now i've started going out with my roommate, emily. i used to like her, she seemed really cool at first, when now i figure out she's a coke head, which is just great. she's probably going to start bringing other cokeheads into my room. i already know i'm not going to do it but i don't want to be at the scene when illegal shit like that is going out. i mean drinking is one thing but coke is another. and i desperately want to talk to someone about it, but the only person i can think to call is my mother, sadly enough, and this isn't something i can really talk to her about, or if it is, i don't want to. i don't know why. not that she'd think i was doing it, i'm certain she wouldn't, but i just want to be able to handle it on my own.

and then there's this guy i really like. his name is actually fernando, he's from barcelona. he's really, really hot, and i think he might like me, well i'm not really sure, but he always looks and smiles at me and stands next to me whenever he gets a chance when i go to parties at his frat house. he's in KD. i don't really like the rest of the frat and i can't see why he's in it because he's so smart, but whatever, i want to get to know him better. i want to be his girlfriend, haha, but i don't say that. he still hasn't asked me out or tried to kiss me though, and i've been pretty drunk over there on several occasions this week alone. i dont understand what he's waiting for. i'm sending him all the signals. i even sat on his lap the other day. i hope i didn't make a fool of myself. i didn't feel like i did, but who knows.

so yeah. college is lonelier than i thought. it's worse with so many people around to be honest. sometimes i just take walks alone and it kinda calms me down; actually, studying calms me down more than anything. thank god for my calc class or i just might go insane.

i think i'm gonna clean a little. my coke head roommate is out for the night. i hope she finds some guy to bang and stays with him. i know that's horrible but she'd do that and i'm sick of her already. i dont think this is going to be a fun semester for the two of us. i have to find new friends, soon.

love and trouble,

allie