women and men

women and men: they are a fickle duo. here is what i think: why does one sex always have to have the power? in so many relationships i see either the man or the woman is the one who has the backbone; the other just listens and does. of course there is a balance of power in other ways but still it bugs me to see one person sort of be colonized by the other. is there a way to unify and become one with a person without completely losing yourself, or without losing yourself at all? is this why so many poets (marianne moore, for ex.) didn't like marriage? because it took something away from the self? and must be always take something away in order to add?

how can you fuse yourself to another person--i am thinking physics, i am thinking chemistry or what have you, but really it's a matter of tending your garden--if you don't water one part of it it's not going to grow. but metaphors are not life--they are not like life and that is a point. they carry you away from the point. the point is that people need one another to grow but sometimes people hinder their growth as well. it is a difficult road to travel.

there are people in my life who both hinder and encourage my growth. i dont know why this is. when you think of a plant there are clear things that take away growth and give it--sun and weeds, for example. but in my life there are things and people who are clearly not just the sun and not just weeds but have some of both. i guess that shows are depths and complexity but it just confuses me. not that i want everything to be equal and easily explainable--life would not be fun--but i have trouble untangling the weeds of a person when they also give me light and sun. maybe it is not about the other person but me--i am my own weed, strangling myself alive, and why do i do this? because i am also the sun. i shine and let myself grow. we are all perhaps both things. can there be a duo, a moon and a dark side, a sun and a shadow, a coin with a face and an amount? two things that are one are also two. i always knew there was no point to math and yet it is everything we are--i look at trees and see numbers climbing straight into the sky--i see everything as metallic and unpretty--and i hear voices plaintive in the dark, calling out numbers, calling out uncertain breathing techniques.

once you open up your boundaries a little bit you feel as if something has died. and why is this? im not really sure. because you are open--when you are open i guess you are open to the elements, to letting harm in. but of course this is the only way to grow, to have harm threatened. i guess this makes sense. how can you grow if you have no reason to grow, nothing for which growth is productive? of course there are different directions of growth. a person can grow towards death, towards life, towards love. but plants only grow in one direction. is this our choice, part of our choice, that we dont always have or get or know how to grow towards the light? we grow in other directions and perhaps they are not wrong or right or anything at all really...

growth is human but so is not growing--if you look at how many humans are not growing you would see that it is a pretty human thing to stave off growth. i wonder if this is evolutionary in some way--to not grow as a technique to protect. probably. but there are consequences. in other words walls must be broken down and techniques will fade--nothing is true, truth is a bleeding valve, and tomorrow again tomorrow we must go home, to go home to go...