i am only something's little pet

today i went to the decatur book festival. i am happy and i am unworth. i like making up words because that is what happens when i read cesar vallejo. i am in a mode where i am missing people. i am in the mode where i want to spoon feed parts of myself to every single person and live in side of them. the parts of me that would like to live literally inside of another person need worth and caring. they need to feel luck and anger and ruinous truth again. they want to be surrounded. dont we all want to be surrounded? so many of my problems come from wanting to be surrounded. is it such a bad thing? i guess it depends on what i want to surround myself with. my boyfriend comes home soon. i want to live in and among and timeless in his love but i guess this cannot happen--i cannot be taken away from myself and time by another person's love, and if i do, well i guess it's okay for a brief time. but it is too addicting to me. it becomes the only thing i want and i gear myself and every particle of my being only toward this. so i have to exist in time and let all boundary stink around me and smell the love as if far away and take a bite and let it sit in me like raw dough but i can never never never never never pretend to myself that yes i live or unlive alone inside of it, that it becomes me, that i am erased inside of it, that i am alive only around it, that it's boundaries are the best boundaries of me, and etc and etc etc etc