bands and trees

just found the most awesomest band to rock the planet... isn't it amazing how certain things that are really really close to how you feel have been around and you have no contact with them? what brings us into contact with them? I wonder. for me it was pandora. listening yesterday it played this band and now i am fully obsessed. i can't stop listening to them on youtube. they are the perfect mix of glam rock pop and emo, and whatever else they embody. they are funky and fun and the lyrics are FINALLY, FUCKING WELL WRITTEN. I'm sorry for all you regina spektor fans but my freshmen comp students could write better lyrics. i want a smart musician; this is one.

and it just makes me wanna dance. wherever i am. in this coffee shop, for instance.

i'm writin' the thesis. today is a good day. it is a wide open day with wide open days for natural reminders and bracketed in more wide openness. monday and tuesday are free for me. i will write and hopefully produce something sonorous. i like ... listening to these awesome guys, and being in a new place, whose location i will NOT DISCLOSE bc i want it to be all mine.. hehe. but the food here is amazing and it's kinda far but it's surrounded by beautiful long and gray green trees that remind me of up north. i feel like i wanna go take a walk around a lake after this.

they only ever have decaf americano, those bastards

hisies. (hi-zies). we are at the starbucks in southgate. i never venture over to different parts of this town. it is interesting like all new places. one of my new years resolutions was to try to explore a different side to this city that i loathe so much. so far i have tried a delicious greek restaurant, and now i am at a new starbucks. this branching out will take place very... very... slowly.

i have been writing steadily. i have nothing really interesting to share. i have been having the weirdest dreams recently. one of them consisted of someone cutting my chest open with a power saw in order to empty my heart of the sand packed around it.

frigid days in tallahassee. my hands are dry. it is so dry i keep shocking my boyfriend. things i think are changing. i can see the end of this program and it honestly feels good; working every free hour of every single day does not feel daunting, but exactly what i want to do.

just to be interesting: i love staring at people. this girl poring over her book kept looking up at me evilly as i passed and i smiled real big at her, and she smiled after she looked back down, a remnant of what was already a leftover smile. she reminded me of me.

starbuckses are all the same; they promote modernness, or would it be post post post all those things that we are. when i am here i feel that the starbucks sits inside of me, being itself, so i dont have to be myself. the brand has worked itself into a friend into an old accomplice that sort of waits and sits on your shoulder digging into your ear. when you come back it is like a long old slow tape playing yourself talking from years ago. of course it is also getting coffee in a hopelessly sterile environment feigning richness.

it is ... saturday.

i am eating an apple. this prevents me from thinking clearly. hold on.

chew chew chew

okay. wait...

chew chew

swallow.

back in tallahassee. little pieces of beauty here and there to be appreciated. overall a lot of anger and anxiety. not looking forward to teaching but hope it doesn't show to students who deserve someone to be excited about them.

today while grocery shopping i pretended i was in spain. i very much want to be in spain again.

there are places we have that are kind of like people. modest mouse has a song about this (it is very good). another good song (paper thin walls).

if tallahassee were a person, it'd be a family member who beat me.

if spain were a person, or seville, it'd be a beautiful grandmother very young in a picture.

if my apartment were a person, it'd be a maid from a foreign country, pretty but sloppy, who smokes, and who is nice.

if jonathan's apartment were a person, it'd be an old dude who worked at a deli with really good turkey but the deli was kinda grimey.

we just bought good turkey. MMMM

good morning. i am tired. reading hemingway makes me want to cry from how beautiful it is. it makes me so sad when i love a writer and i found out that they killed themselves. i think a lot of other writers would be with me on this. it is hard to think of these people as mentors and then they go and blow their heads off or stick them into ovens or drug or drink themselves to death, etc etc. there really is no relation between the art and the person. which is kinda sad but also good, i guess.

good morning. i havent posted in a while. i'm sure my readers are just dying to know how my pumpkin cream cheese muffins went over during t-day; well let me tell you, they didn't! it was a heinous recipe and i threw them all out. anyway.

i have little to say: i am typing it all into a story. my wrist hurts and my computer shakes as i type. today is a day is a day and i am in it in it in it... christmas is coming!

oh yay. my boyfriend is studying for finals. soon i will actually have to calculate my students grades. and his big new leather chair keeps swiveling and out of the corner of my eye i think it is a dark cloaked figure. dammit!

it is 9:48 am, but the post prolly tells u that. okay dunzo for now

hellllloooo???

Really early morning post.

Brain still in haze.

Hear sounds of highway.

Day presses light feathers

onto face, to wake me.

Voices outside

Literally biting into

skin like day is a Peach

Heavy morning glazed with

thought and motorcycle

dream revving, corner of

logic and fantasy finding.

Drifting into personality.

Spiritual succulence.

The day is a map and

I am a carefully placed X.

Nourishment

I've decided I really like blogging. It's perfect for the vain shy person, for the narcissist with an inferiority complex, for the egomaniac who would prefer not to be one. Though I am not saying I am any of these things. But it is perfect for those people.

This morning I have nothing to say: but just instantly typing on my blog gives me something to say, to YOU, imaginary listener in my head who might one day become a reality.

I have decided that the holidays, for me, anymore, are solely about food. And that is fine. Food can be very spiritual. It's physical nourishment--spirituality is all about nourishment. And the nourishment comes in all different forms--whether it's the pistachio and dried cranberry biscotti dipped in white chocolate and sprinkles my mom makes (u jealous??) or the turkey wrap your boyfriend makes (my boyfriend makes) or the chips and dip the other people make, the people who may or may not be Mexican, or those who definitely aren't. Think of what you eat and how it defines you. I eat hard chips dipped into salsa--I like the crisp, the honey color of them, I like the breathy textures between the two spaces. Foods I don't like based on texture: that gunky part of the middle tomato (who likes that? if you do you must be a serial killer); also macaroni and cheese and scallopped potatoes kind of gross me out. Even pickles sometimes get to me--their translucence.

This holiday I am making pumpkin cream cheese muffins for my boyfriend's parents for Thanksgiving. I figured they would enjoy something with a lump of something gooey inside--that is just what I gathered from spending some time in their house. Also I am making them with Splenda--but I don't tell anyone this. If they knew they were getting gipped out of hundreds of calories they might be mad at me.

I have not started holiday shopping yet. I want to do it all in one fell swoop--I want to fall, and in the process swoop up all of the presents. I might have to be at Walmart to do this. That is fine. Miley Cyrus has a new line of clothes there that are really freaking cute, except her skinny jeans might not even fit my arm.

Today I have to teach--actually, no I don't, they are just workshopping, so they teach themselves--and then I am ... probably going to write more. Maybe I will just keep posting and posting and posting, until all the internet space is mine!! Mine!!! I want it all!!

Actually I just could really go for some holiday food. Some stuffing. Cranberry. Makes me feel all pilgrimmy. And then I want to smoke a pipe. Yes, that is my goal for this holiday--smoke a pipe, and maybe play in some snow. And drink a spiked warm drink--can be anything. Anything except egg nog, which feels like something my body should want to rid itself of rather than imbibe.

That is all. Ending.... right..... ish..... now. Okay, now. No, now. Now. Now.

Goodbye.