bored

yes i'm posting again wow so many words out of me recently... i am just bored and just woke up and need a quick distraction and it's too early to take a shot of vodka. so instead i'm waiting for my clothes to dry so i can go to the gym. and after that i will grade papers. and after that.?? maybe go for a walk. the weather is lovely this time of year in tallahassee warm and crisp like a honey crisp apple. i love apples.

my room is an absolute shithole, yes, i step over some of my nicest dresses as I make my way to the bathroom, no i do not care, they are just clothes. i need new clothes but i dont really like clothes. they make me a greedier and vainer person so i don't like them. however it's fun to look at the colors and shapes and cuts and whatnot but in terms of what i can afford, it's none of the fun stuff. which reminds me i have to check out lauren conrad's line in khols. but even khols is expensive.

things are happening in my life right now, things are changing. it's quite scary and i'm sure at any moment this huge gaping black hole earthquake is going to open up beneath me and i will fall fall fall... hopefully that doesn't happen, but it's the fear. i always feel unsteady unstable and this is just me. i wonder if it will ever change.

but when i work out i feel powerful and in control and i love it. and i love to eat. and i love laughing and making jokes. i love people. i love the sky. there are lots of things i love, almost as much as things i fear.

i wonder if love and fear are connected. it seems fear and hate are and i think hate and love are sorta connected, maybe in the same way anxiety and depression are, the separate sides of the same coin or some bullshit like that. here is me just spouting off theories, it's not supposed to be correct, it's supposed to be fun, don't take it too seriously. it is hard to love something you are afraid of, that is all i can come up with for now.

it's sunday; someone made a really good joke about sundays always sucking because they are spent anticipating the whole goddamn week, and i think that's only partially true. ps i dug out an old cd that i love; it is full of get up kids and old jimmy eat world and lotsa other cool crap and i can't stop listening to it. i remember being in like eighth grade and loving that shit. and so because i listened to it i had the most wacked out dreams last night. so crazy and vivid and full of interlocking or just overlapping narratives. in one i was on a vacation with some people and we were listening to this guy talk to us about science... right down the sand was a bar where people were going at noon to get drunk for the rest of the day... i was more concerned with finding lunch... i ate two bowls of a really delish mac and cheese... then i went into my room and shoved some stuffed animals into a suitcase and called my mom crying bc i said i hated it there.. (reminds me a lot of now haha) and then after that we watched another video and a boy was like fondling my sides...?? waist area. this boy was a boy i dated when i was in fifth grade. very very strange.

the second part of the dream involved me being on a boat of something in a big room that was filling up with water... actually it started out as a classroom, first i was teaching and then i was the student.. but some big crisis happened and it turned into like a water world and then my roommate was there and i got some notice that said i was her only family and had to take care of her? and then we were on a train and she was very sad and I was trying to make her feel better bc she had no family.. and i swear it had this like war time feel to it very gray and depressing....

and then i was at this rally and i shook obamas hand. and my dad was there and he made some rude comment about why would i shake his hand only it wasn't that overt it was like something else, referring to his clothing? no clue. and then i woke up tired as fuck and made myself a bowl of cereal and went back to bed for a dreamless one hour sleep.

GMORN

just woke up. it's not even super early but it feelz it. i am awake. awake awake.

had a party last night. twas chillin. we had cornhole. it is a dirty vulgar sexual game. involving bean bags.

and we had lotsa southern food. i stuffed my fat face. was quite pleasurable.

it is too early for real sentences. FUCK YOU PHONE ALARM SILENCE!!!

things i miss right now:

my old lifeguarding job. the smell of chlorine in the morning. little kiddies asking me to watch them swim the deep end test. god my hearts about to burst.

and... well i just had a memory that is about it.

things i don't miss: my current situation. bc it's crap to the nth power. oh well. gotta finish the damn degree.

wanna write wanna write wanna write wanna wanna wanna

i wish i knew more spanish. this is the beauty and ugliness of life: you get to know about all the lovely things you could do and then not do them. you know how capable you are and then you get to promptly put knowledge of that away and do something else. you know what you love and then you say see ya!

maybe this is depressing. i love florida for it's regionality. and not making sense. for it's rugged wholeness. for its. ... ability to cross section any mood i am having and make me feel like a little kid again. florida is this thing i can't reach out to and it makes me feel small small small. i guess when i leave florida i will miss it too.

new post

new post:

i love the kathy griffin show. are blogs pointless?

yes they are pointless. are dogs pointless? are dates jobless? are skies truthful? what? you?

anyway... i want to be as unrandom as possible so i will list things:

sugary purple pink gum
and pink fingernails that are getting in my WAY
and a glass
and a salt shaker
this is a poem, btw
a five pound weight
or three
and some papers n shit
a pen and a knife
some old crappy carnations
my ass on a couch
stuff and like eyebrows

and this is folks what j's apt looks like on a thursday evening, not to quiet not too unpleasant. i am all alone but i am okay tonight. last night i was all alone and i felt like dying. tonight i feel... like hanging out. with all my objects. me and my objects and their colors and shapes and sizes. also i ate a really delicious cookie that probably has way too much to do with my mood.

was talking to my one roommate about how i dont want to be on this medicine bc it will make me fat and how shallow i feel bc of this and she said why does it have to be shallow? why shouldnt we care if we are fat? of course we should. americans make everything wrong. she didnt say that but i do. i love classifying in big ginormous groups. no but seriously--why should i feel guilty for not wanting to put on weight? am i that transcendental that i have to pretend that it is only all of our spirit souls flying around that concern me and not the material everyday, like how much of my ass i feel squishes out when i sit down? i say you are better off concerning yourself with the latter, not so much the former, which you dont have too much control over anyway.

it's been a while

wow two people read my blog! i am a huge success.

but now i dont know what to write.

perhaps it was better when i just wrote for me. yes, it was.

today i was driving and i was having conversations with myself. (partially aloud, mostly in head). and in my (jonathan just came out of the bathroom with his hair all slicked back and he said, "hey" and i said you look like you belong in the movie "american grafitti." remember that chick with the huge buck teeth? she was awesome). head i was saying how i dont like to be called a writer but just a person who writes. why do i have all these negative attachments with the word writer? but i do. i dont know.

bands and trees

just found the most awesomest band to rock the planet... isn't it amazing how certain things that are really really close to how you feel have been around and you have no contact with them? what brings us into contact with them? I wonder. for me it was pandora. listening yesterday it played this band and now i am fully obsessed. i can't stop listening to them on youtube. they are the perfect mix of glam rock pop and emo, and whatever else they embody. they are funky and fun and the lyrics are FINALLY, FUCKING WELL WRITTEN. I'm sorry for all you regina spektor fans but my freshmen comp students could write better lyrics. i want a smart musician; this is one.

and it just makes me wanna dance. wherever i am. in this coffee shop, for instance.

i'm writin' the thesis. today is a good day. it is a wide open day with wide open days for natural reminders and bracketed in more wide openness. monday and tuesday are free for me. i will write and hopefully produce something sonorous. i like ... listening to these awesome guys, and being in a new place, whose location i will NOT DISCLOSE bc i want it to be all mine.. hehe. but the food here is amazing and it's kinda far but it's surrounded by beautiful long and gray green trees that remind me of up north. i feel like i wanna go take a walk around a lake after this.

they only ever have decaf americano, those bastards

hisies. (hi-zies). we are at the starbucks in southgate. i never venture over to different parts of this town. it is interesting like all new places. one of my new years resolutions was to try to explore a different side to this city that i loathe so much. so far i have tried a delicious greek restaurant, and now i am at a new starbucks. this branching out will take place very... very... slowly.

i have been writing steadily. i have nothing really interesting to share. i have been having the weirdest dreams recently. one of them consisted of someone cutting my chest open with a power saw in order to empty my heart of the sand packed around it.

frigid days in tallahassee. my hands are dry. it is so dry i keep shocking my boyfriend. things i think are changing. i can see the end of this program and it honestly feels good; working every free hour of every single day does not feel daunting, but exactly what i want to do.

just to be interesting: i love staring at people. this girl poring over her book kept looking up at me evilly as i passed and i smiled real big at her, and she smiled after she looked back down, a remnant of what was already a leftover smile. she reminded me of me.

starbuckses are all the same; they promote modernness, or would it be post post post all those things that we are. when i am here i feel that the starbucks sits inside of me, being itself, so i dont have to be myself. the brand has worked itself into a friend into an old accomplice that sort of waits and sits on your shoulder digging into your ear. when you come back it is like a long old slow tape playing yourself talking from years ago. of course it is also getting coffee in a hopelessly sterile environment feigning richness.

it is ... saturday.

i am eating an apple. this prevents me from thinking clearly. hold on.

chew chew chew

okay. wait...

chew chew

swallow.

back in tallahassee. little pieces of beauty here and there to be appreciated. overall a lot of anger and anxiety. not looking forward to teaching but hope it doesn't show to students who deserve someone to be excited about them.

today while grocery shopping i pretended i was in spain. i very much want to be in spain again.

there are places we have that are kind of like people. modest mouse has a song about this (it is very good). another good song (paper thin walls).

if tallahassee were a person, it'd be a family member who beat me.

if spain were a person, or seville, it'd be a beautiful grandmother very young in a picture.

if my apartment were a person, it'd be a maid from a foreign country, pretty but sloppy, who smokes, and who is nice.

if jonathan's apartment were a person, it'd be an old dude who worked at a deli with really good turkey but the deli was kinda grimey.

we just bought good turkey. MMMM